R&R Love+Relationships: To List Or Not To List?
I've never really been into creating my version of "the list". It always seemed pretty contrived and pressed to create a long list of qualifications for something that should come naturally, but I did try once (at the suggestion of the book He's Just Not That Into You...don't judge) just to see if it made any difference. Here's what I came up with:
1. Serious about being a Christian
2.Committed to healthy lifestyle and physically fit
3.Has college degree and makes education a priority
4. Is looking for a committed, long term relationship
5.At least a year older than me but no more than 5 years older than me (29-33)
6.No children, but likes children
7. Cares about appearance and hygiene
8.Has goals for career, ect.
9.Know how to balance and prioritize.
10. Good conversation
11. Considerate and kind
I think this is actually an abridged list because I remember it being way more ridiculous than this with at least 20 items on it, one of which being that I wouldn't date any man that has bad taste in shoes. I think the basic intention of lists such as these to help the writer become clear about what they want and need in a long term mate is something that is critical for being successful in finding this person. But as a comment poster in a blog I like to frequent said, lists like these are a way for a person to feel as though they have control in a situation in which they don't. Of course I have nothing against people creating boundaries and limits-we all need those to function properly and focus on the things that matter most to us and make us our best selves. But we all know women who get so caught up in their lists, which seem to grow exponentially every year, that they start crossing men out because of things like bad shoes and similarly irreverent things.
Don't think that guys don't fall into the list trap too. If I had a dime for every man that complains about a woman with an extensive 25 point list yet he has his own 25 point list that either matches or beats hers...well you know how the saying goes. I don't think men are as likely to actually write their lists down in their journals like we do, but they have them and believe it or not I think they take theirs more seriously than we do ours. Word to the wise- if you must have a list make sure you qualify for everything on your own list. Nothing is worse than someone who holds you up to impossible standards that they don't even meet themselves. Whether the author of "the list" is male or female, the fact is that your list is not going to make someone be something they are not and more than likely it's the reason why people avoid dealing with you.
This whole listing thing has gotten to a point to where people are listing what they will and won't do as a jump-off. If you let yourself get to this stage with a man, do you really need a list to navigate you through the process? Wouldn't the virtues that listing is supposed to instill be more useful in the effort NOT to be a jump-off?
Have you ever made a list to help you visualize the type of man you want to be with? Has it helped or hurt you? What do you think of people who make these types of lists-are they focused and rational or desperate control freaks?