R&R Love+Relationships: Wallflowers, Put Your Hands Up! Part 1

I've always been somewhat of a wall flower when it comes to night life. When I first dealt with this topic here, I was 25 and teetering on the edge of the appropriate age range for clubbers (which is about 18-25) so I still was feeling a little pressure to go to clubs even though I wasn't interested. It was what young folk are supposed to do and beyond that, I was under the misinformed impression that clubbing was the way of choice to "make yourself available" and thus "get a man". Since I've gotten older and more of my peers have joined me in leaving the clubs to college freshmen and other youngins, I've had the opportunity to delve deep into the reasons why the club scene never clicked with me: I never understood clubbing rules and politics

One of the most confounding "rules" to me was the late arrival thing. Say a club is having an event and the doors open at 9pm. Well, I was usually with the punctual crowd that actually got there at 9. How was I to know that when you say "doors open at 9pm" you really mean "don't get there until midnight because that's when everybody else will be there"? I'm very literal when it comes to stuff like time, so when you give me a time, I'll be there at that time. I also didn't appreciate the lies about free soul food buffets if you get there by a certain time...the last thing you need to do is lie to me about food. I'll be pissed for the rest of the night, as I usually was when I was sitting up hungry at a club due to this marketing scam. Then there's the whole VIP thing, which is just another marketing scam that basically has you paying twice the amount to get in just to stand behind a velvet rope or worse behind crime scene tape. I always used to feel sorry for people who were actually fool enough to pay for the VIP upgrade. You're dancing to the same music and looking at the same people, but you just paid double for it! Now on to the guy-sends-you-a-drink thing...I usually just avoided this because that one's ridiculously complicated! If you take it, then dude gets mad because you took the drink that he paid for and didn't give him whatever he expected that he didn't actually verbalize to you. If you don't take it, then dude gets mad that you rejected the drink that he paid for that you didn't ask for...I'd rather you just come up and talk to me to get to know me, but of course you can't hear with the music at 10,000 decibels. Or with stuff like this distracting you. I've had experiences that left lifetime scars

As most women probably can attest to as well, I've had some interesting experiences with guys that I could tell were regular club goers. I've been told by a young man with extremely caustic breath that I looked like a sexy librarian that was out of place. Sooo...does that mean I look smart? I was also accosted by a man who wouldn't accept that I had a boyfriend (I didn't, just wanted to get him out of my face), handed me a business card that said he owned a crematorium, and followed me until two big bouncer guys scared him away. At least he gave me well wishes that I wouldn't need his services too soon. Oh and to those of you who think it matters if an event is "upscale" versus regular clientele, it doesn't. These shenanigans happened regardless of what types of people the advertising was designed for. I guess people of all education levels and income brackets drink a large glass of coonjuice before heading out to the club.

I've come to accept that dry humping is synonymous with dancing

What happened to the days when people danced face to face? If you even attempt to dance with a guy in this manner in the average club, they will turn you around by your shoulders and some even take it a step further by trying to bend you over...bend you over! Remember when I was told that I look like a sexy librarian? That happened as the couple beside me sexed through their clothes. Complete with the guy pushing her legs behind her head. But you know, they were pretty modest since they had clothes on. It is now possible to see all out nudity and real sex in the club. Go to World Star Hip Hop to find plenty of examples.

I realized extremely quickly that if you're looking for a LTR (Long Term Relationship), the club is pointless

Because everyone assumes that you're shopping for meat just like they are. From the first time I ever went to a club atmosphere I sensed the pretense of who's-gonna-be-my-one-night-stand-tonight in the air and it stank. Worse than sexy librarian guy's breath.

Next Friday's post will explore suggestions I've gotten for alternatives and how viable they are. In the meantime, are you a wallflower? How do you maneuver the social scene as someone who doesn't care for clubbing? What are some of your worst ( and best) experiences? Tell me in the comments!